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Help… My Bipolar Friend
Is Driving Me Crazy!
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Dear Joshua:
I have a friend “Ralph” who suffers from Bipolar disorder. He’s manic-depressive. The medication he’s been prescribed doesn’t seem to make much difference in his behavior. All in all, Ralph is a good person, but he can be tough to deal with at times.
I’m trying to be a good, supportive friend, but sometimes I feel like he’s using me. Three months ago, he guilted me into helping him paint his house. He was curled up in a ball on his couch crying to me that he couldn’t paint his house on his own.
I don’t know where to draw the line with this guy. Part of me says, “It’s not his fault, it’s all about brain chemistry!” However, another part of me says that what he’s doing is somewhat of an act.
I often wonder if he’s intentionally taking advantage of me, or if what he’s doing is all a result of his brain chemistry. I have a wife and two teenage kids who I should be spending more time with. What should I do? Should I cut this guy out of my life?
– Feeling Guilty in Georgia
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From: Somewhere in the USA
Wednesday, 12:29 a.m.
June 12, 2019
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Dear Feeling Guilty,
Let me preface my response by saying… been there, done that, returned the t-shirt!! Guilt is of no benefit here! The bipolar friend may not realize that he is imposing guilt (or be able to curb it if he does). And… any remorse or blame you’re experiencing is a false sense of responsibility on your part.
I’m Speaking
From Experience!
As someone who has been exposed to and dealt with several loved ones with Bipolar Disorder, let me give you the advantage of years of learning the hard way!
- Set boundaries
- Know your limitations
- Be sensitive and encouraging, but not someone’s doormat
- Get support from other friends and family members
My “Feeling Guilty” friend, whether “Ralph” means to or not, when he’s experiencing an “episode”, his antics can be extremely disruptive and drain you of every ounce of energy you have — worst of all leaving you with feelings of guilt!
Now, if he were a blood relative, I’d tell you that you’re probably in it for the long haul, so don’t burn yourself out by responding to his every beck and call.
Have You Bitten Off
More Than You Can Chew?
While we don’t get to choose our family (therefore, “cutting them out of your life” is not a very realistic option), you chose “Ralph” as a friend; and you may not have realized at the time that there was an underlying illness that could eventually make you want to jump ship. If you feel like you’re in over your head, the truth is, you very well may be.
Bipolar can be an unruly illness and episodes can come on like a twister, often resulting in a wake of destruction!
Unfortunately, as you mentioned, so much of the manipulation, emotional outbursts, and irrational behaviors are a result of a chemical imbalance and are not easily rectified.
Valuable Perspective From
An A-List Hollywood Movie Star!
The movie Silver Linings Playbook, starring Bradley Cooper, gives great insight to what it’s like for family and friends doing their best to help someone with Bipolar Disorder. The movie so accurately represents the personality and family dynamics of people who either have the disorder or live with someone who does.
This true-life difficulty gets real when sufferers (like Bradley Cooper’s character) hit high-highs or low-lows. The excessive talking, emotions, and impulsive behavior that family or friends endure as a result of being supportive is exhausting.
Though Hollywood managed to give the movie a comical spin, there’s nothing funny about questioning your own sanity. And while you may be capable of walking away from an afternoon with your friend (without needing therapy yourself), it could feel like you just went twelve rounds in the ring!
Trust me, I’m not in anyway trying to diminish what the actual sufferer goes through!!! However, their stamina while in a manic phase, almost seems super-human… and extremely tough to keep up with! But, as high as they go… is as far as they can fall into depression. Pulling them out of that pit is equally difficult.
The Solution???
Is there a solution? Doctors will suggest a battery of medications. However, once administered, they often leave the person worse off (…I’ve personally witnessed zombie behavior, depression, and rebellion, due to incorrect meds) and the trial periods before the proper medicine is found could be months or years… if at all.
So, what’s a friend to do? There are plenty of websites that offer ways to support a loved one with Bipolar Disorder; it’s definitely an education you will want to get. The advice ranges from helping them to see the signs before an “episode” (there are many) to encouraging them to remain balanced, get proper rest, and eat well.
What the sites only minimally discuss is how caregivers and friends maintain some semblance of order in their own lives… so I’ll fill in some of the blanks.
My Best Advice For You Is To…
- Shed the guilt and be true to yourself.
- Give if your time allows, if your heart feels full, and when God gives you the Grace.
- Make a pact that you will not put your family on the back burner, respond out of guilt, or allow manipulative behavior to move you to action (whether Ralph is aware that it’s manipulative or not).
- Always respond in love, no matter how difficult.
You may truly care for this individual and I encourage you to pray for his healing, but you cannot allow his illness to determine your actions, run your life, or rob you of your peace.
The funny thing is, the bipolar sufferer is often less affected by your inability to meet his needs than you are! He may behave badly at the time, but be completely over it by the next time you see him. “Ralph” may truly have a good heart! Most of the people I know with this disorder are genuinely good souls, who in their heart of hearts, want to belong, love, and be loved!
So, should we walk away from someone with Bipolar Disorder? No, not unless their disorder is making you sick or interferes with the people who are your priority (e.g. your wife and children). Do we need to take intermittent breaks from people who suffer with Bipolar? Yes, sometimes it may be your only option for self-preservation.
Don’t Try To
“Play God!”
We are not God. And unfortunately, no matter how hard you try, you may not be able to handle this alone. Get support from Ralph’s family or other friends. Help him to work toward better health.
If he’s crying in a fetal position on the couch, he may be in need of a medication change. And while it all seems overwhelming (because, at times, it is), I’ve seen bipolar patients healed, live a normal, stable existence, enjoy wonderful relationships, work as professionals, and never have another episode again!
I’ve seen hospitalized patients released to live successful, fruitful lives. It’s a delicate balance — one that requires the patient to be an active participant in their recovery.
I commend you, Feeling Guilty in Georgia, but remember guilt is a feeling, not your identity! God can use you to help Ralph, but Ralph can’t use you… unless you allow him to!
Sincerely yours,
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P.S. A friendly little request here to all my friends & subscribers out there: Enjoy this advice column? If so… please be sure to share it with everyone you know. Thanks.
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